By Veronica Wells

A couple of months ago, I was interviewing three women about sex over the age of 50, for my website NoSugarNoCream. During the conversation, the youngest woman in the group explained that she was so thankful that when she’s not in the mood, her husband doesn’t cop an attitude. She said, “A man can be very mean when he can’t get what he wants.” For some reason, the words and the sentiment behind the words stuck with me. There were nods and grunts of agreement from the other two women, and it made me wonder, was this something other women had experienced as well?

The responses were sparse because it’s a sensitive and intimate topic, women don’t want their man to look bad, they don’t want their sex lives to become a case study. I get it. But there were a brave few who decided to share, anonymously of course.

First, I started with a friend named Yvonne. Yvonne is single at the moment but has been in more than a few non-committed or loosely defined relationships. So I asked her if the men from her past ever copped an attitude when she refused sex.

She said, one man, Peter*, used her unwillingness to have sex as a way to attack her character.
“He said I wasn’t affectionate enough and he resented the fact that I wouldn’t send him pictures of myself. He would use my lack of emotion/not being sexual with him when he demanded as an excuse for him to ignore me. He would say sh*t like ‘he’s a man” and he isn’t going to beg me to be a woman for him because other women would do it at the drop of a dime.”
I should note that while Peter made all types of requests from Yvonne, she couldn’t even get him to return a text message. She concluded that this man viewed her as a toy.

The women of “The Real,” addressed this topic on their show one day and said that the men in their lives had been known to get a little attitude but nothing like what Yvonne described.

I’m not here to play relationship hierarchy. But the women who were in more committed, defined relationships had different experiences. One woman, Shanice, who had been with her man, the father of her children for over ten years, spoke about how her mental state affects her desire for sex for extended periods of time and how her man responds to that.
“I often put off having sex because my moods are so inconsistent. I'm bipolar manic, (and untreated because I refuse to take meds, but that's another story), so it can take the smallest thing to just turn me off and not want to have sex for long periods of time, or it can be opposite and I want it a lot. However, Kareem* has never acted out against it, or done catty things. He has a very mild temper and just goes with the flow. However, when it does begin to bother him that I won't have sex with him he speaks out on it. He just makes comments about how he has needs too. Or he’ll say something like, ‘Who knows when I'll have sex again.’ So I'll feel bad and give up the booty within 48 hours. There are also times where I promise it, and then say, ‘Oh I'm tired. Etc.’ It makes me feel like crap at times, but sometimes I don't care. He just takes his frustrations to sleep. I don't have any experience where he has been cruel, or made threats about getting it elsewhere.”
This state of sleep theme came up more than once in my little focus group. I spoke to a man, about one of his married male friends. I should note that while this man is an excellent father, he’s a serial cheater. He told our mutual friend that when his wife refuses sex, he sleeps peacefully because he knows he has options, options he’ll act on. I don’t issue that as a cautionary tale. I’m willing to bet that even if his wife never rejected him, he would still be out here. It’s just interesting to note that he’s not pressed.

Another married woman, Karen, who’s been with her husband for 13 years said that while her husband never does or says anything cruel to her, she can tell that he gets a little “crunchy.”
“If it's been a while, say like a week or two, he gets irritable. Sex in general, for us, takes off the edge. Without it, we both get crunchy. After we connect, issues seem to calm down. He's never gotten mad though if I say no, and there are definitely times when I'm just not in the mood. If I'm not, sometimes I'll go ahead anyway- because once we get started, I’m good- but I don't always give in.”
Like Shanice, Karen spoke more about the pressure women feel when they’re not in the mood...at all, but also want to satisfy their husbands.
“I have never really felt the need to have sex after having my two babies, but did because I know that he'd been waiting and he was clear about his excitement once the doctor gave us the go ahead. (The recommended time for sex after childbirth is four-six weeks.) I didn't want to make him keep waiting, and I also wondered if I'd ever 'feel' like it after a baby. I didn't want to become one of those women who has the baby and they lose their sex drive altogether. Now did he 'pressure' me? Maybe a little because he wasn't necessarily asking me how I really felt. But never has my husband acted like I have no choice, or treated me mean when I've said no."
Obviously my sample size was particularly small, still the relationships that had weathered some "life," who had experienced the real, messy, practical elements of the real world understood that life can affect their partner's sex drive. And while they weren't always happy about it, their partner's refusal didn't warrant cruelty.


Do you think men in committed relationships have more realistic expectations about how life can influence sexual desire for their partners?


Veronica Wells is the culture editor at MadameNoire.com. She is also the author of “Bettah Days” and the creator of the website NoSugarNoCreamMag. You can follow her on Facebook and on Instagram and Twitter @VDubShrug.
IndigoStyle Vintage in BK
By Erickka Sy Savané, Styled by Dani G.

I'm a vintage girl. Always have been. There's something about finding gently-used gems that no one else will have at a fraction of the retail price that turns me on. So when Sheryl Roberts- a woman I've known for years on the commercial and TV circuit, she's shot a zillion TV commercials and ads so perhaps you've seen her face- opened a vintage boutique in Bedsty, Brooklyn, I knew one day I'd make the trip there. Well, it's the holidays so no better time than now to find holiday inspiration!  Here are a few fun looks that my bff/stylist Dani G., and I, put together. Hope you like!

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Indigostyle Vintage owner Sheryl Roberts
Indigostyle Vintage was a Pop Up Shop for 4 years before Sheryl opened the boutique located at 401 Tompkins Ave. in Brooklyn, last April. She loves fashion and believes that it shouldn't have to cost a fortune. Amen to that!


If you love "fur" and leopard, this coat ($125) is your holiday show stopper! We belted it and paired it with these leather boots I got on sale at Macy's recently for just $29.99. You'll look and feel so good walking into that holiday party that you may not want to take this coat off! And why should you? Just wear something light underneath.


This 80's Cosby Show-inspired multi-colored fuzzy coat will bring color to those drab winter days ($125). The knitted clutch keeps the color poppin' ($50), as do the aqua skirt ($60), the peach sweatshirt, ($50), and the white leather boots (size 9) that complete this look ($50).

Jeffrey Campbell ($150 left) & Karl Lagerfield ($100 right)

Can we just take a moment to salivate over these shoes! Maybe, they're not the most practical, but when it comes to making a statement, these babies will do it every time! Watch out Santa, mama is coming through! 


If you want something that feels festive, girly, and shows off a little leg, pair a short skirt like this gold one from American Apparel ($35), and a colorful jacket like this pink floral bolero jacket ($70), and throw on some black leather ankle boots like these ($50).


This skirt was so cute we had to do it twice! This time for a sportier look we added my own black leggings (after all, it's winter right?! Grab some from Old Navy), a black puffer vest ($65), Longchamp leopard heels ($75), this Blackbird Dillinger graffiti cross body purse ($195-$375), and this black Kangol hat ($35). 

We hope you enjoyed these looks! Everything displayed in this post is available to buy (except for the leopard coat, which I believe got SOLD!). Thanks Sheryl, for allowing us to play in your boutique  and we'll be back for some more inspiration in the Spring! In the meantime, Happy Holiday Everyone!

What will you be rocking this holiday season?

Anita Hill
By Veronica Wells

These past few months have been consumed with talk of sexual harassment. For the rest of his life, at least in the public space, Harvey Weinstein will be this generation's poster child for sexual assault and harassment. Even though he was far from the first or last man to use his power to intimidate women, he's the one who opened up the floor for everyone else to be exposed. And since his downfall, we've seen men like Matt Lauer, Al Franken, Louis C.K., Russell Simmons (and I'm sure more to come) meet similar fates.

Most women, the group who have been the most affected and impacted by sexual assault, from the beginning of humanity, recognize that this reckoning is long overdue. Finally, the nation is having very real and uncomfortable conversations. And while I think that a majority of people understand the necessary ramifications behind sexual assault and harassment: firings, oustings, loss in income, being exposed, etc.; I've learned that not everyone gets it.

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Jasmine aka CurlyGaisha 
Winter is upon us and already you may have noticed that your curls are feeling the chill. No worries! CurlyGaisha has got you with this easy and affordable DIY protein treatment that is sure to bring bounce, pep and step to your limp curls! Check out her video and let us know in the comment section how this treatment worked for you!






Photo via Scarsandspots.com
By Jashima Wadehra

Do you know how you ALWAYS wish you had listened to what your mama told you when you were young? “Don’t wear foundation too young,” she said. “Don’t rub your eyes, you’ll get wrinkles." “Wash your hands every time you come from outside.” (I know you don’t do it EVERYtime either, don’t judge me!)

Well, I️ may not have listened to Mama every time, but I️ sure do employ her wisdom now. Like any Indian mother, my mom was always in the kitchen and would come out with some gnarly looking stuff on her face. None of that, “pretty green monster “ stuff. I’m talking real (sometimes smelly) goop.

Now before y’all start booing and ewwing, hear me out, one of the key ingredients that I️ don’t see promoted in western media is one of my holy grail kitchen to skin products; licorice root. #Canigetahollaforadollahoney!

Not only is this ingredient easy to find in any South Asian grocery store under the name of “Mulethi” it’s also fairly inexpensive and is essentially magic. I’m not kidding.
 
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Licorice powder
Licorice root and Amla powder were the two key ingredients in the face mask my mother applied twice a week for most of my life. She has impeccable skin and I️ truly hope one day I️ too can say, I️ get it from my mama.

Licorice root has INCREDIBLE benefits, it contains brightening properties that assist in fading scars and blemishes as well as medicinal uses for health conditions like asthma. Get the lowdown on all the licorice benefits here.

Amla powder
Amla or Indian Gooseberry is rich in antioxidants and can help lower cholesterol, and has major hair benefits. Check out a CurlyNikki piece on Amla here. 

How to make the Goop:

2 teaspoons licorice root powder

1 teaspoon Amla powder

Pinch of turmeric

Squeeze of raw honey

Add water according to consistency.

Now before you go mixing ingredients trying to make your facial brew, understand that licorice root powder doesn’t thicken as much in liquid where as Amla does, try to find a happy medium. You’re looking for the consistency to resemble a thin paste.

Step 1. Remove your makeup and cleanse your skin prior to applying. Pro Indian Mom tip: use an oil to remove makeup (my fave is jojoba) and then milk or a steaming hot towel to get the gunk off your face sans chemicals and face wash!

Step 2. Apply the goop. Take disturbing Snapchat selfies, scare your children and spouse, clean up your mess and THENNNNN use warm water to soften the mask and begin exfoliating your skin with its remnants in circular motions as you rinse it off.

Step 3. Admire your soft as a baby’s bottom and brighter than sunshine skin.

Step 3. Take #NaturallyGlam selfies

Step 4. Tone with rose water and witch hazel and moisturize with Rosehip seed oil!

Mama is 53 and #SLAYING thanks to licorice root!



Let me know what you think of this monster mask or share your mama’s favorite skincare tips and tricks!

Jashima Wadehra is a writer, dancer, entrepreneur, and lover of people based in NYC.  She can be found blogging at overpriced coffee shops or on a plane heading to a new place to write about.  Follow her on instagram at @TheChatterboxlifeEnthusiast and check out her new blog TheChatterBoxLifeEnthusiast.com.