By Erickka Sy Savané
“I've been friendzoned,” said my friend L.
“Oh, no, how did that happen?” I ask.
“When we first met I wasn't really ready for anything so I didn't step to her in time,” he explains. “Now she's all booed up with a new man.”
“That's too bad,” I say.
“But I could get out of it if I want to,” he says, confidently.
“Patience,” he says. "First, you have to believe there's a chance, and then you have to be willing to be her friend despite the new man. Then when there's an opening, you pounce."
Hmmm...I want to be optimistic, but this is tricky. Past experience says once you've been friendzoned, that's it.
Most women know within seconds of meeting a guy if he can get it. So I'm not sure that L. ever really had a chance. Women don't throw a good guy with potentially good D in the friendzone. And what if patience doesn't work? He sits around waiting for a time in the future when she and her man break up so he can wiggle his way in, just to realize that she wanted nothing but friendship all along.
But at the same time, I'm reminded of an earlier relationship...
He was a wealthy banker, and I was modeling. He wanted to date, I didn't really see him that way. Maybe it was the Michael Jackson Beat It jacket in his closet. I began dating someone else, and he acted fine. He even listened when my man and I were having problems. But all the while, he was wining and dining me and my girlfriends at fancy NYC restaurants. He turned up the heat when my boyfriend and I broke up. Eventually, my girls started asking me if I was crazy, and out of fear that one of them would snag him, I decided to give it a go.
It was wonderful. We toured Le Louvre museum in Paris, gained 10 pounds in Jamaica and listened to the most beautiful ocean waves outside of our bedroom window in the British Virgin Islands all in one year. Yet I was still not physically attracted to him. Sex was always a chore, and we eventually broke up. No amount of money or fun could pull him out of the friendzone. In the end, his patience won me, but did he ever really win?
In what could be perhaps the worst case of #friendzoneship ever recorded, is my friend who I recently discovered friendzoned her husband for the past 10 years. She said she realized less than six months into their marriage that he was not a lover, but her best friend. They talk, laugh and kee-kee like nobody's business, and she trust him with her life, yet he is in the #friendzone. Sometimes I think about the fact that he can't get none from his own wife, and I wonder if he's being patient? #nowinsituation
But then again, I can't act like there aren't any cases where the #friendzoneban was lifted. In fact, one of my besties married a man who had #multiplefriendzone bans going against him. To explain, he was that dude who would come to all the get-togethers by himself- no date. After a while, we all assumed something was wrong with him- nobody wants the guy nobody wants. Well, it just so happened that he was there for this friend when her mom died, giving her the most solid rock to stand on. From there, a deep friendship developed, and the next thing you know we were all at their wedding. And let her tell it, their sex life is the best, made even better by the closeness of their friendship.
Come to think about it, there’s even my own case where my husband was put into a temporary #friendshipholdingzone when we first met. By that I mean, I was always attracted to him, but I had to put that aside to see if there was a real friendship. I had grown weary of dating dudes who would come and go. So, I got to know him, he got to know me, and before long a friendship developed that brought us close. That friendship has sustained us through 10 years of marriage and I have no complaints in the bedroom or otherwise. It's kind of backwards the way may of us view the friendzone. We blame it for killing a potential relationship when it's really the best shot we have for a relationship to actually work. Think about it, she's not putting on a show for you and since you've already been zoned the pressure is off of you too. You can actually be yourselves. We should start calling the friendzone the #inzone because that's where all the real moves are made.
So in this case, L. is right. He just might make it out of the zone after all.
Have you ever gotten out of the friendzone?
Erickka Sy Savané is managing editor of CurlyNikki.com, a wife, mom, and freelance writer based in Jersey, City, NJ. Her work has appeared in Essence.com, Ebony.com, Madamenoire.com, xoNecole.com, and more. When she’s not writing...wait, she’s always writing! Follow her on Twitter, Instagram or